How ADHD Adults Can Stop Waiting and Take Action with the Power of Self-Permission

Katherine: 00:00:00

Hey there, my friend it's ADHD, powerful

2

: 00:00:02

possibilities with coach Katherine.

3

: 00:00:05

And this week we are looking

at another game changing shift.

4

: 00:00:09

And how we think.

5

: 00:00:10

And yes, there's practical tools.

6

: 00:00:12

So make sure you stay to the end to

get all of the details for those.

7

: 00:00:16

This is a natural follow on from the

episode we just had about the amygdala.

8

: 00:00:21

motivation and also the one about

productivity if you have time make

9

: 00:00:26

some notes about what comes up for

you during this episode, because I

10

: 00:00:31

feel like this is one that's going to

give you genuine light bulb moments.

11

: 00:00:35

The topic for this week

is self permission.

12

: 00:00:38

So what is self permission?

13

: 00:00:40

It's the act of giving

yourself a go ahead.

14

: 00:00:44

The green light.

15

: 00:00:45

The freedom.

16

: 00:00:45

If you like.

17

: 00:00:46

For many of us with ADHD, but for a lot of

adults, There's this ingrained struggle.

18

: 00:00:53

Which has built on external

expectations and social conditioning.

19

: 00:00:58

Some of us, I'm holding my hand up here.

20

: 00:01:01

I feel like if we're not struggling,

if things aren't difficult.

21

: 00:01:05

We're must not be trying hard enough.

22

: 00:01:08

And the other reason that permission

can be challenging for us.

23

: 00:01:11

It's because those of us who were

brought up to be good girls and boys.

24

: 00:01:16

We were taught that permission

comes from somebody else.

25

: 00:01:19

And certainly through

schoolingthrough different types

26

: 00:01:21

of education and social models?

27

: 00:01:24

We constantly look to other

people for permission.

28

: 00:01:27

For our behavior.

29

: 00:01:28

Um, that's why self

permission is truly magical.

30

: 00:01:32

Because it's about you reclaiming that

power to give yourself permission.

31

: 00:01:37

It either sounds really simple or way too

complicated right now, but stick with me.

32

: 00:01:42

When we give ourselves permission.

33

: 00:01:44

We allow ourselves to live

in line with our values.

34

: 00:01:48

And lane with those things

that are truly who we are.

35

: 00:01:52

And what matters to us.

36

: 00:01:54

I want to share a brief

anonymous story about.

37

: 00:01:57

A few clients have kind of

rolled them into one person here.

38

: 00:02:01

But they were really struggling at work.

39

: 00:02:03

They feel completely stuck,

completely unmotivated.

40

: 00:02:08

Really struggled.

41

: 00:02:09

Everything from getting into work

in the morning to finishing work

42

: 00:02:12

on time, completing their projects.

43

: 00:02:15

And this just felt rubbish.

44

: 00:02:17

They felt they needed external permission.

45

: 00:02:21

Or validation.

46

: 00:02:22

To make changes before they

could do something about it.

47

: 00:02:26

So over the course of our

sessions, we worked on things like.

48

: 00:02:30

Acknowledging their own needs.

49

: 00:02:32

Rather than waiting for

somebody else to say.

50

: 00:02:35

You look a bit tired or,

you know, all those things.

51

: 00:02:38

We wait for other people to notice.

52

: 00:02:41

while, inside, we are struggling on, but

we're not prepared very often to say.

53

: 00:02:45

Actually I'm really tired.

54

: 00:02:47

I know it's 9:00 PM.

55

: 00:02:48

I'm going to bed.

56

: 00:02:49

Things like that really practical things.

57

: 00:02:52

One of my jobs as a coach is to hold up a.

58

: 00:02:55

And the loving, or at least

positively neutral mirror.

59

: 00:02:58

To what you're experiencing.

60

: 00:03:00

And it allows my clients to

see themselves more clearly.

61

: 00:03:04

And also more positively.

62

: 00:03:06

For this particular group of clients.

63

: 00:03:08

Self permission is the thing that

starts the process of change.

64

: 00:03:13

Because it allows us to move

from where we're feeling stuck.

65

: 00:03:18

With maybe so about change for awhile.

66

: 00:03:20

But we're waiting for permission.

67

: 00:03:23

That permission is never going

to come from anybody else.

68

: 00:03:26

There's no big green light.

69

: 00:03:28

That's going to come on.

70

: 00:03:29

Although some of us might think, oh,

well the universe gave us a sign.

71

: 00:03:33

Maybe it did.

72

: 00:03:34

Actually, maybe you gave

yourself permission to see it.

73

: 00:03:37

And I know that it's something

I have done very often and I

74

: 00:03:41

still catch myself doing as well.

75

: 00:03:43

Waiting for external approval before I

make a change or before I start things.

76

: 00:03:49

Because this is part of what I

call the external validation trap.

77

: 00:03:53

And I'm going to bring

in some research studies.

78

: 00:03:55

But I am going to explain them in

a way that I hope will make sense.

79

: 00:03:58

No.

80

: 00:03:59

I'm not the only person

who waits for some kind of.

81

: 00:04:03

outer signal some external

validation, from elsewhere.

82

: 00:04:07

Before.

83

: 00:04:08

I started a new project

before I take a break.

84

: 00:04:11

But when we're in the external

validation trap, It stops us.

85

: 00:04:15

It stops us from making choices

that align with what we really need.

86

: 00:04:20

And what we value and want.

87

: 00:04:22

From the things that are

going to make our lives.

88

: 00:04:25

Really amazing.

89

: 00:04:26

And there's a kind of stuckness

that can come with this behavior.

90

: 00:04:30

It feels like we're in a cycle where we're

always waiting for somebody else to see.

91

: 00:04:35

Yes, of course you're tired.

92

: 00:04:38

Of course you can take it easy today.

93

: 00:04:40

Take the day off or get this

done and then have arrest.

94

: 00:04:44

Spoiler alert.

95

: 00:04:45

Nobody else is going to

come and do that for you.

96

: 00:04:47

There was a study in

: 2022

97

: 00:04:51

And it's amazing because it confirms

exactly what so many of my clients

98

: 00:04:57

say and what I've experienced.

99

: 00:04:58

Which is it?

100

: 00:04:59

ADHD brains, look for connection.

101

: 00:05:03

Autonomy.

102

: 00:05:04

And emotional feedback.

103

: 00:05:06

And yet we're often stuck

in this loop, in this cycle.

104

: 00:05:09

Of trying to meet external expectations.

105

: 00:05:13

And because we're so busy

trying to meet those external.

106

: 00:05:17

Demands.

107

: 00:05:17

That affects how we can regulate ourself.

108

: 00:05:20

This idea that we need

connection and autonomy.

109

: 00:05:23

Is really, really.

110

: 00:05:25

Important, when it comes to thinking

about who you want to meet changes

111

: 00:05:29

in your life, because most people

with ADHD want to make some changes.

112

: 00:05:33

And yet we hold back from doing

what we know would work from us.

113

: 00:05:38

Because we're waiting

for somebody else to say.

114

: 00:05:41

Okay, go ahead.

115

: 00:05:42

Here's your permission slip.

116

: 00:05:44

And the other aspect about

giving yourself permission.

117

: 00:05:47

That people sometimes worry about is if

I give myself permission to do things.

118

: 00:05:52

I'll just lie on the sofa all day.

119

: 00:05:54

I'm never going to do anything.

120

: 00:05:55

If I give myself

permission, I will be lazy.

121

: 00:05:58

So I can't do that.

122

: 00:06:00

That isn't going to happen

because you will get bored.

123

: 00:06:03

Or maybe you just need to proper

rest and you're a bit burnt out.

124

: 00:06:07

No.

125

: 00:06:07

Here is something really important.

126

: 00:06:09

Sometimes.

127

: 00:06:10

When we give ourselves permission

and we think we're being positive

128

: 00:06:14

and working in a way that suits us.

129

: 00:06:16

It can actually be holding us back.

130

: 00:06:18

And this is called positively

valenced, cognitive avoidance.

131

: 00:06:22

Which means we think it's a positive

thing, but actually we are just

132

: 00:06:27

putting things off and avoiding them.

133

: 00:06:28

So we use.

134

: 00:06:29

Overly optimistic, thoughtst and

beliefs about ourself and our capacity.

135

: 00:06:34

As a way to.

136

: 00:06:35

Escape, the uncomfortable emotions.

137

: 00:06:38

Or the reality of a challenging situation.

138

: 00:06:41

We say what I work best under pressure.

139

: 00:06:44

Things like I'll just wait

till I feel in the right mood.

140

: 00:06:48

Can be comforting.

141

: 00:06:50

And that kind of thinking

feels better in the moment.

142

: 00:06:53

It is going to keep us stuck long term.

143

: 00:06:56

We might get a brief moment of relief.

144

: 00:06:58

But it's preventing us from engaging

with the behavior and the changes.

145

: 00:07:03

It's really going to move us forward and

take us where we want to go long term.

146

: 00:07:08

key.

147

: 00:07:09

Is self-awareness and honesty.

148

: 00:07:11

Recognize when we're using . That

permission sounding behavior.

149

: 00:07:16

As a shield.

150

: 00:07:17

Because it's only when we're actually.

151

: 00:07:19

Honest with ourselves about that.

152

: 00:07:21

And what we're really doing

that we can shift them.

153

: 00:07:24

And real permission is one

that's based in acceptance.

154

: 00:07:29

Autonomy and action.

155

: 00:07:31

A lot of the coaching work that I've

been doing is based in something that's.

156

: 00:07:35

From the world of CBT again.

157

: 00:07:38

But not CBT.

158

: 00:07:39

And it's called self determination theory.

159

: 00:07:41

Self-determination theory is a collection

of ideas based around three main thoughts.

160

: 00:07:48

That we all have a need for autonomy.

161

: 00:07:50

For competence.

162

: 00:07:51

And relatedness.

163

: 00:07:53

And according to

self-determination theory.

164

: 00:07:55

True.

165

: 00:07:55

Motivation comes from.

166

: 00:07:57

Internal satisfaction, not for

we're expected to do from these

167

: 00:08:02

external rules and expectations.

168

: 00:08:05

For adults with ADHD.

169

: 00:08:07

And for children and

young people with ADHD.

170

: 00:08:10

This is really, really important.

171

: 00:08:12

Real lasting change.

172

: 00:08:14

And meeting those goals

that we dream of and maybe.

173

: 00:08:19

Not convinced we'll ever reach.

174

: 00:08:20

They can only happen when

we meet those three needs.

175

: 00:08:24

For autonomy.

176

: 00:08:26

Competence.

177

: 00:08:27

And relatedness.

178

: 00:08:28

And that comes from self permission.

179

: 00:08:30

Because we need autonomy.

180

: 00:08:32

To feel satisfied if we never

feel like we're in control.

181

: 00:08:36

If we feel like our lives

are totally spinning.

182

: 00:08:39

Uh, of our control.

183

: 00:08:40

I've never met anybody.

184

: 00:08:41

Who's able to meet a positive lasting

change in that particular circumstance.

185

: 00:08:47

And of course it wouldn't be powerful

possibilities if we didn't give

186

: 00:08:50

you some practical strategies.

187

: 00:08:53

to go away with

188

: 00:08:54

So, first of all, giving

yourself permission.

189

: 00:08:57

The number one thing I

recognize in clients is.

190

: 00:09:00

How hard to is to give

yourself permission to rest.

191

: 00:09:04

And I don't mean.

192

: 00:09:05

Took a couple of hours off and felt

really guilty and sort about work the

193

: 00:09:09

whole time you were trying to rest.

194

: 00:09:12

Not only do we have this.

195

: 00:09:14

In quotes, driven by

a motor type of brain.

196

: 00:09:17

There's this ingrained feeling?

197

: 00:09:19

The rest has to be earned.

198

: 00:09:22

If you're not working hard,

you don't get to rest.

199

: 00:09:25

And when you think about how difficult

it is for most adults with ADHD,

200

: 00:09:30

To feel that the, or working hard

or effectively or efficiently.

201

: 00:09:34

No wonder we struggle to give

ourselves permission to rest.

202

: 00:09:38

And so often I see people working

to the point of exhaustion.

203

: 00:09:43

and, not being productive at all

because of keep going long past

204

: 00:09:47

the point of being effective.

205

: 00:09:48

But here's the truth.

206

: 00:09:50

Resting.

207

: 00:09:51

Is part of productivity.

208

: 00:09:53

Because if you don't get enough of

it, your effectiveness, when you are

209

: 00:09:57

engaged in a task is going to be minimal.

210

: 00:10:00

To have a think about.

211

: 00:10:01

Do I give myself permission to rest.

212

: 00:10:03

And how do I feel about it?

213

: 00:10:05

That's number one.

214

: 00:10:06

The second kind of self permission.

215

: 00:10:08

Is to fail.

216

: 00:10:09

That's really crucial.

217

: 00:10:12

Especially for people who tend

to have higher than average

218

: 00:10:15

levels of perfectionism.

219

: 00:10:17

Failure.

220

: 00:10:18

Isn't the opposite of success.

221

: 00:10:20

There's no way to be

successful without failure.

222

: 00:10:23

For many people with ADHD,

their struggle to get started.

223

: 00:10:27

Is because the fear of

failing is sort overpowering.

224

: 00:10:30

I'm going to give you some of the examples

from my permission, ignition course

225

: 00:10:35

on how we integrate things like more

self permission into your daily life.

226

: 00:10:40

, one of the most effective ones is

to give yourself permission slips.

227

: 00:10:44

, giving yourself permission slips

feels ridiculous for many of us.

228

: 00:10:49

But it's surprisingly effective.

229

: 00:10:51

And here's why.

230

: 00:10:52

First of all, there's the act of

becoming conscious of what we need.

231

: 00:10:57

And then giving yourself permission

to do it, which acknowledges

232

: 00:11:02

that you are in control.

233

: 00:11:05

That autonomy piece is being connected.

234

: 00:11:08

It's also acknowledging your needs

and forcing you to be aware of them.

235

: 00:11:12

You might also want to give yourself

permission to make mistakes.

236

: 00:11:16

If you're going to a new job, if

you're trying a new hobby, if you're

237

: 00:11:20

learning something new, I write it down.

238

: 00:11:22

I give myself permission

to make a mistake.

239

: 00:11:25

Another thing that we use in permission,

ignition are these reflective exercises.

240

: 00:11:30

Where.

241

: 00:11:31

We identify and then reframe

the beliefs around permission.

242

: 00:11:35

For many people, we have a lot of

permission seeking and we hold back

243

: 00:11:41

from what we want to do, what we need.

244

: 00:11:44

Because we're waiting for that.

245

: 00:11:46

OK, go ahead now.

246

: 00:11:47

If you catch yourself thinking I

can't rest until everything is done.

247

: 00:11:52

The exercise would pay to reflect on that.

248

: 00:11:54

Where did that belief come from?

249

: 00:11:56

Is it actually helpful?

250

: 00:11:57

In that example, you might reframe it

as resting helps me to do things well.

251

: 00:12:03

Rather than do them and have a

unsatisfactory result and finally

252

: 00:12:09

give yourself permission to feel.

253

: 00:12:11

One of the most powerful

things you can do.

254

: 00:12:13

Is give yourself permission

to feel your feelings.

255

: 00:12:17

But.

256

: 00:12:18

To feel them without judgment.

257

: 00:12:20

Emotions are part of

our navigation system.

258

: 00:12:23

They're part of a

neuro-transmitter cascades.

259

: 00:12:26

It goes through your body.

260

: 00:12:28

But they don't need to be judged.

261

: 00:12:29

And giving yourself

permission to feel them.

262

: 00:12:32

Permission to cry,

permission to feel angry.

263

: 00:12:35

Permission to feel sad

those feelings are normal.

264

: 00:12:40

And they are part of a wide spectrum

that we should all be able to access.

265

: 00:12:46

If you don't know what they

are, then that's a different

266

: 00:12:49

podcast and we will get there.

267

: 00:12:51

But giving yourself permission to

at least acknowledge our feelings.

268

: 00:12:56

Is really important.

269

: 00:12:57

We often go into spirals of

massively avoidant behavior.

270

: 00:13:01

Because we don't want

to feel that feeling.

271

: 00:13:03

So to get you started on this

journey of self permission.

272

: 00:13:07

I've got a little sheet you can

download of permission slips.

273

: 00:13:10

Very simple printable, actionable tool.

274

: 00:13:14

You can make as many as you like from it.

275

: 00:13:16

And it's a way for you to give

yourself a visible reminder.

276

: 00:13:19

Remember the externalizing

processing our thoughts and feelings.

277

: 00:13:23

Outside is often more effective,

especially if you have ADHD.

278

: 00:13:28

So you might write.

279

: 00:13:29

I give your name.

280

: 00:13:31

Give myself permission to go and rest.

281

: 00:13:34

When I need to today.

282

: 00:13:36

I give myself permission to be

imperfect and learn as I go.

283

: 00:13:40

The reason it's so powerful is because

it's going to anchor your intentions.

284

: 00:13:45

And it helps you to move towards living

in line with your own needs and values.

285

: 00:13:50

If this topic is interesting to you.

286

: 00:13:53

Please check out my

permission, ignition course.

287

: 00:13:57

I'm running it for the first

time in December,: 2024

288

: 00:14:00

It's going to look.

289

: 00:14:01

Quite different.

290

: 00:14:02

I think by January.

291

: 00:14:03

I'm giving people a chance to

join me on this exploratory round.

292

: 00:14:09

We're giving ourselves permission.

293

: 00:14:11

To learn as we go.

294

: 00:14:12

And to discover new things.

295

: 00:14:14

It's going to have a slack group

channel for community chat.

296

: 00:14:18

We can begin with a five day sprint.

297

: 00:14:20

And I would love you to join me.

298

: 00:14:22

Go check it out.

299

: 00:14:23

And I'll include a link in the show notes.

300

: 00:14:25

Of course.

301

: 00:14:26

So wrapping up, I would

love to hear from you what.

302

: 00:14:29

Have you been holding back?

303

: 00:14:31

From giving yourself permission to do.

304

: 00:14:34

Who are you looking for

to give you permission?

305

: 00:14:36

Don't be surprised if you're in your

50, 60 seventies and you're still

306

: 00:14:40

looking for parental permission,

that's incredibly normal, but.

307

: 00:14:44

Isn't it amazing when you give

yourself permission instead

308

: 00:14:48

and remember every small step

we make towards self permission.

309

: 00:14:53

Gets you closer to a life

that you really love.

310

: 00:14:56

If you enjoyed this episode,

I'd be really grateful.

311

: 00:14:59

If you could leave a review.

312

: 00:15:00

Share it with somebody else.

313

: 00:15:02

And of course stay curious.

314

: 00:15:04

stay powerful.

315

: 00:15:06

And take care of yourselves.