ADHD & Shame - break free from the shackles.

Audio Podcast 5 shame

[: 00:00:00

Hello, and welcome to Powerful Possibilities, a guide to ADHD from diagnosis and beyond. I'm your host, Catherine, and I'm a certified ADHD coach with my own experience of a diagnosis of ADHD and autism in my 40s. Dedicated to helping people like you navigate the misunderstood areas of ADHD.

coffee, settle in, and let's [: 00:01:00

what's up Everybody it's episode five of powerful possibilities, ADHD from newly diagnosed and beyond and I am talking today about shame and ADHD.

I know from the many conversations I've had with people that shame. Is something that really affects people with ADHD and I, as you would expect, it affects us more than neuro-typical people. That doesn't mean neuro-typical people don't experience shame. I want to clear that up, but it does mean that when we get it, our executive functions quickly become overwhelmed because of our emotional regulation challenges. So let's get into it and talk about shame and what we can do about it. And why

I think it's massively, massively. Under discussed.

my life where I didn't feel [: 00:02:00

Hum. but for a long time, it was almost crippling. So I do understand where you're coming from. And I want to say. At the top. I'm not a counselor. I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a therapist. I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm an ADHD coach. So asset CLI I cannot help with mental health problems and I will always refer you on to somebody who can.

at's depression, or anxiety. [: 00:03:00

In the episode today, we're going to explore what shame is how it's different from guilt. And what we can do about it, and some really useful strategies and practical things that you can use on a daily basis to turn that noisy little voice down and feel better about yourself.

Shame is a really deep seated feeling.

We might feel we are fundamentally flawed or broken that we will never be good enough and it doesn't even have to be connected to something we've done something we've said. It's just there all the time. And when we feel shamed, we tend to hide. We don't reach out for help. We think people won't like me, if they knew the real me. And that is very common.

et go of that shame and move [: 00:04:00

Shame. Isn't the same as guilt. ADHD people experiencing shame are not the same as people experiencing guilt. Guilt is when we have done something that we feel doesn't meet. Our personal or social expectations In Greek, the word for sin is hamartia, which means missing the mark. And I feel guilt and shame. And Sen in the Greek sense, missing the mark are all connected because shame is when we feel like we miss the mark, no matter what we do. Guilt is when we miss the mark because of something we've done something we've said. An action that we've maybe not taken. And missing the mark means that we have an expectation of a standard. We all have standards, whether they're from inside or outside. They tend to be something that we developed quite early on from our family. Our caregivers society around us. there are expectations. We learn very quickly when we don't meet [00:05:00] them.

And. I'm afraid to say that guilt is something that motivates lots of people. It's not a great motivation. But shame is unconnected to any action. And it's just a feeling that you are. Fundamentally broken. ADHD people can achieve great success in life. But still feel ashamed. And still feel that they're not good enough. So even if you are really successful and still feeling shame, That's kind of normal. It's not something I want you to continue with, but it is normal. Given our neurology, we get stuck.

We get fixed. We ruminate more than your average brain.

. 'cause we think. Why would [: 00:06:00

And I feel that. This constant shame and this imposter syndrome. are really closely connected. And again, it's not essential.

Let's look at strategies that you could use. When you are aware of that shame and becoming aware of it is the first one. So name it to tame it is a really useful thing to remember. When you have that feeling of dis ease. When things don't feel right. Try and identify where it's coming from and give a name.

nd I didn't have to carry on [: 00:07:00

I began to get better. But I had to name it first.

In my coaching practice, I believe it's really important to empower people so that they can learn to coach themselves. And I don't want to have a coaching partnership that goes on for any longer than necessary. Because when you learn to coach yourself, You can carry on with that great work. Um, even though I still have a relationship with my coach and check-in.

But the other great thing is you can turn what you feel is a weakness. Into a strengths. Depending on how you are looking at it and how you are await of it.

And one of the things we do is identify your strengths. So I used the via character strengths tool. It's completely free. You can go online. Do your via character strengths. And identify your top five.

ite often, when we feel this [: 00:08:00

We feel disempowered and we feel weak and vulnerable. And. Bert. When you start to look at what you're good at, what your strengths are. You can begin to see yourself differently and it doesn't sound like that's going to make a difference, but it really does.

that's at the bottom, maybe [: 00:09:00

It means that part of the reason you may be feeling burned or, worn out is you're relying on a strengths. It's further down and isn't one of your top three or five. So go and try out the character strengths tool and identify what your top five are, and then bring them in to the work and the challenges that you're facing every day. And start to focus on what you're doing, right.

f we spend all day. Thinking [: 00:10:00

If we feel like we're not able to do anything, we may feel ashamed that we're so. Powerless and unable to do what we need to do. So when we have negative self-talk and negative thoughts. Persistently. We get stuck. And there is. There's something called the rumination spiral and. I'll talk about rumination and a future because it's a big one. But it's quite a negative one.

go there just yet. When you [: 00:11:00

And it is. Really. Uh, by being honest with yourself, but not accepting defeat. And I will say this is a common ADHD strengths. Is that incredible? Grit and resilience. The circumstances that some of the people I've spoken to are going through would defeat. A lot of people. But the resilience is off the scale.

And if that's you. I went to give you a big hug and say, well done. but be kind to yourself at the same time and talk nicely to yourself. I said this in the last episode. If you talk badly to somebody. They're less likely to give you their. Best their creative best and their. Ability to help you problem solve. For instance. If you are a person who says I'm always late. I'm always late.

eventually. You're going to [: 00:12:00

Some of us need it in person. I'm an online person. And. If you don't get that connection because you're isolating yourself. You're so ashamed of your time, keeping. It's no good. That rumination spiral is coming big time. Instead and saying, oh, I'm always late. But I know that ADHD and time are a difficult mixture.

s is difficult for me. But I [: 00:13:00

and when you start to succeed and experience success. You will begin to feel better.

Each time you reframe a negative thought.

You take a step into the zone of possibility. And increase your bank of self-compassion. And I can't overstate how important self compassion is when we're confronting shame.

eached that goal. And if you [: 00:14:00

And what we need to do is identify the lines in between. That get you there. And then make each step there. Achievable so that you build up repeated success. And the more success you experience and are consciously recording and aware of. The better you will feel and the closer that goal will become. No, I don't like smart goals.

method for setting goals and [: 00:15:00

Let me know when you've achieved that successful step. And I don't care how tiny it is. It could be. I put a load of laundry on it could be. I posted a letter. It could be. I bought stamps. I ordered some. Whatever you're listening. Let me know what your success today has been.

ings right now? Let's have a [: 00:16:00

First of all, you will have to keep things personal.

You will have to refresh things. That's just how it is. So there's no perfect solution that you are going to be able to be consistent with for the rest of your life. I have to tell you that right now. So that your expectations are realistic and manageable.

And once you've identified your strengths, which was in step one. Then you identify how you use them in the challenges that you are facing right now. And when you leverage those strengths, you will start to experience a different feeling about yourself. You will feel competent. And one of the foundations of coaching is that we believe people are whole creative and resourceful. So I don't have to give you all the answers because you actually knows them. But I sometimes need to help you discover them. Within yourself.

workplace, that is going to [: 00:17:00

When you want to think about reframing your negative self-talk or your negative words. It's helpful to externalize them and then look at them and think. Is that. Actually how I would talk to another human being. Is that how I would want to talk to. A child, is that how I would talk to somebody that I love? And. I know you probably struggle with that whole idea of loving yourself. But honestly, When you catch a negative thought or a negative statement. Get out of your head, write it down or record it. And then read it back and think. As that. A true and B how I want to talk to myself. Is it getting me any closer to what I want to do. Or to let go of my shame.

self-compassion has got free [: 00:18:00

And finally. Have you got a buddy? Or a friend or, uh, are you in a community? Where you can share things with other people in a constructive way. Where they can lift you up and you can lift them up. I worry about some online groups where it's just a spiral of misery and it begins to feel like everybody's having a terrible time. Find a community where there is some joy. Where there is a lot of positive support. Where people are honest. but taking action. Okay.

uch and it's too awful and I [: 00:19:00

So today we've had a look at shame. How it's different from guilt. How it's almost universal for people with ADHD and the fact that our executive functions are more overwhelmed and shut down when we experience these negative emotions, it's not that other people don't feel it. It's just that our executive functions closed down or are less efficient, is a more accurate way to put it. Because our emotional regulation isn't there. And the most powerful things you can do to improve your emotional regulation.

elf-talk all of these things [: 00:20:00

the powerful possibilities that are just around the corner for you.

Remember change doesn't happen overnight. But it does happen

sooner then you believe possible.

Come back next week for more on powerful possibilities where we will be looking at the connection between ADHD and food

ghts that you need to thrive.[: 00:21:00

Remember, your journey with ADHD is an ongoing journey of growth. But you're not alone anymore. Until next time, this is Catherine, reminding you that with the right guidance, the possibilities really are powerful and endless. Take care.